Humbled

Yesterday my son paid me a compliment.

He said he wished that I would be his mom again in his next birth. As an afterthought he said, his dad too of course. Because we were really cool and should have been in the GNT.

Not quite a criteria for the best Mom really. I think I was terribly ungracious about the compliment. I think I had a blank and quiziccal expression on my face. A kaleidescope of thoughts were fleeting by. Of being a GNT employee and away from him when he was 3 months old and 'Failing to Thrive' A GNT employee again later when I was pregnant with his sister and was flying around fueling my ambitions and he had pneumonia at home. Months later at a new job neglecting to be the 'homework mom' when he was in his first grade.

Like all working Moms I am constantly running myself through continuous assessments. Am I always there for them? Is the time I am with them 'quality time?' With all the 'Finish your breakfast fast! And come on its time for Karate' I wonder if it is. My moments of truth are those when I hear my little baby say with absolute conviction. That she is not going to go out and work. She is always going to be around for her kids and..she is never going to tell them she has a headache when they want to go to the park.

I am able to take this feedback with more ease and can offer more justifications

I use the time they are in the park to clean up and get dinner ready. On the few occasions I am at the park I sit away from other moms, because I always feel inadequate. I am not up-to-date with the latest summer camp information and the other activity information. Sometimes I miss some school meetings too.

I am constantly surprising myself with my superwoman capabilities. I do a fairly good and fast job at work, when I entertain I do it successfully mostly, I am available for all important occasions of relatives and friends however physically dead I may be. In all my avatars I am doing a pretty neat job. Except as a mom.

But then I wonder how I would be if I were a full time mom? Frustrated with my pickled brains, depressed about not using them most of the time? Unhappy and wasted? what sort of mom would such a woman make?

Someday I will ask my kids this question and from their answer know.